What an FBI Negotiator Can Teach Us About Marriage.

What an FBI Negotiator Can Teach Us About Marriage

I recently came across the work of Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and founder of The Black Swan Group, and something immediately struck me:

These aren’t only negotiation skills. Many of them are extraordinary relationship skills.

Obviously, your husband or wife is not a hostage, and marriage isn’t an FBI negotiation!

But there is an important principle behind this approach that applies beautifully to relationships:

When emotions are high, being understood has to come before being persuaded.

Think about what normally happens during an argument.

Your spouse says something that upsets you. Immediately, you want to explain yourself.

“That isn’t what I meant.”

“You misunderstood me.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“But you did the same thing last week.”

And while you’re defending yourself, your spouse is preparing the next defense.

Now nobody is really listening.

So what would happen if we borrowed some techniques used by professional negotiators and brought them into our marriages?

Here are eight active-listening skills associated with FBI crisis negotiation, along with principles Chris Voss teaches through his Black Swan approach, translated into something couples can actually use.

1. Let Them Know You’re Listening

You don’t need to agree with your spouse. You simply need to communicate that you’re present.

Try little phrases such as:

“Go on.”

“I’m listening.”

“Tell me more.”

“I see.”

These small responses tell your partner:

I’m not fighting you right now. I’m listening to you.

Sometimes that’s enough to lower the temperature of the entire conversation.

2. Ask Instead of Accuse

When we’re upset, we tend to ask questions that aren’t really questions.

“Why would you do something like that?”

“Why can’t you ever listen to me?”

Those sound like accusations.

Instead, try questions beginning with what or how:

“What bothered you most about what happened?”

“How did you experience what happened between us?”

“What do you wish I had done differently?”

Now something has changed.

You’re no longer preparing for battle.

You’re gathering information.

3. Mirror the Important Words

This is such a simple technique.

Your spouse says:

“You never take me seriously.”

Your instinct may be to answer:

“Of course I take you seriously!”

Instead, try:

“You don’t feel that I take you seriously?”

And then stop.

Let your spouse explain.

You may discover that the argument you thought you were having isn’t actually the argument your spouse is having.

4. Name the Emotion

This is one of the most powerful principles in Voss’s approach.

Try putting a tentative name on what you think your spouse is experiencing:

“It sounds like you felt dismissed.”

“It seems like that really hurt you.”

“It sounds like you felt left out of the decision.”

“It seems like you felt I wasn’t considering you.”

And here’s something enormously important:

Understanding someone’s feelings does not mean agreeing with their conclusions.

You can understand your spouse’s experience and still have a completely different perspective.

You’re simply saying:

I see what this felt like from where you were standing.

5. Put What You Heard Into Your Own Words

Now take what your spouse has told you and say it back in your own words.

For example:

“So what I’m hearing is that the decision itself wasn’t really the biggest issue. What hurt you was feeling that I made the decision without considering you. Am I understanding you correctly?”

Imagine how differently that lands from:

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

One closes the conversation.

The other opens it.

6. Speak From “I” Instead of Attacking With “You”

Compare these two statements:

“You never listen to me.”

versus:

“I find myself getting frustrated because I don’t feel that I’m being heard.”

They may be expressing a similar feeling, but they don’t produce the same reaction.

“You always…”

“You never…”

“You make me…”

These statements almost automatically invite a defense.

Speaking about your own experience gives your partner something to listen to rather than something to fight against.

7. Learn the Power of Silence

This one can be difficult.

You ask your spouse an important question.

Then…

stop talking.

Don’t explain the question.

Don’t ask another question.

Don’t fill the uncomfortable silence.

Don’t answer it for them.

Wait.

Silence gives the other person room to think.

And very often, what someone says after that pause is far more important than what they said before it.

8. Summarize Before You Solve

This may be the most important step.

Before you give your opinion…

Before you offer your solution…

Before you explain why you’re right…

See whether you can summarize your spouse’s position so accurately that your spouse can finally say:

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.”

Only then move toward solving the problem.

Because when people are still fighting to be understood, they’re usually not ready to hear solutions.

One Sentence Worth Memorizing

There is one question I’ve become particularly fond of:

“That’s very interesting. Would you mind walking me through how you came to that?”

Imagine saying that in the middle of an argument instead of:

“That’s ridiculous.”

“You’re wrong.”

“You completely misunderstood me.”

The moment you become curious instead of defensive, something changes.

Your partner has to slow down and explain.

You have to slow down and listen.

And suddenly you’re having a conversation instead of simply exchanging reactions.

The Lesson for Marriage

The principle I take from Chris Voss and the Black Swan approach is remarkably simple:

Don’t begin by trying to be understood.
Begin by trying to understand.

Listen.

Ask.

Reflect.

Name what you’re hearing.

Pause.

Summarize.

And then respond.

You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says.

You don’t have to abandon your position.

And you certainly don’t have to accept behavior that you believe is wrong.

But there’s an enormous difference between agreement and understanding.

When someone genuinely feels heard, the desperate need to keep fighting to be heard often begins to disappear.

And that’s when something very important can happen:

Two people who entered the conversation as opponents can begin remembering that they’re actually partners.

This article was inspired by the active-listening principles used in FBI crisis negotiation and the tactical-empathy and negotiation methods taught by Chris Voss, former FBI hostage negotiator and founder of The Black Swan Group. The concepts have been adapted here specifically for marriage and relationship communication.