Steps to Stay Present with Your Partner
Why this matters
When your mind drifts onto the to-do lists, worries, or pain during intimacy, it pulls you out of connection and pleasure. Trying to “shut off” the mind by force usually backfires from resistance. The goal is retraining attention — noticing the thoughts, releasing them, and returning to the senses.
Core ideas to remember
You don’t have to erase thoughts — you practice noticing thoughts without following them, then intentionally reorient attention to the present moment and your partner.
Steps to Stay Present
Ground your intent
This starts before you guys are together.
What will you wear?
Re-call memories about yourself and your partner that were sexually stimulating and fun.
This time of preparation is very important in elevating your arousal levels to match his.
Perfume?
Coconut Oil to increase blood flow to the clitoris.
Lighting in the bathroom
Where you are preparing is critical. Staring at body flaws in a fluorescent light is not a good idea. Dimmer switches can and should be installed.
Lighting in the bedroom
Before touching or being touched, tell yourself a simple intention. Repeat it silently 2–3 times. This could be anything pleasant you can find about your body or something you like about your partner.
- Why: Setting an intention trains the brain to bring attention back when it wanders.
Bring awareness to the breath if you start leaving the room mentally
- How: Take three slow breaths: inhale for 4, exhale for 6. Keep focus on the physical sensation of air in nostrils or the rise/fall of your belly.
- Why: Breath is an immediate anchor you always carry.
Use a gentle labeling habit for wandering thoughts
- How: If your mind drifts, label it “thinking” or “planning” or “ouch” — then return to breath or touch.
- Why: Labeling creates distance; it prevents rumination from escalating.
Name the sensation
- How: Switch from thought-labeling to sensation-labeling: “warm,” “pressure,” “soft,” “tight.”
- Why: Names move attention from narrative to raw sensory data, which are less likely to spiral into worry.
Change your position
Notice 3 things you feel on your skin, 2 sounds in the room, 1 internal sensation (heartbeat or breath).
- Why: Rapid sensory checks quickly pull attention back to now.
Practice non-judgmental noticing
- How: When pain or worry comes, mentally say: “There is pain” or “There is worry.”
- Why: Acceptance reduces the emotional charge that makes thoughts multiply.
If a narrative arises (“I’m not attractive,” “This hurts”), label it: “That’s a story.” Then refocus on one tactile point (e.g., sensation on your inner wrist). If you notice this becoming a pattern, spray perfume on the wrist and smell it
- Why: This breaks thought-identification and returns you to your body.
If pain is strong, don’t push past it. Scale it mentally (0–10). If it’s high, pause, breathe, and choose a small body shift (angle, pace). If you can’t shift, stop and communicate.
- Why: Respecting sensations prevents escalation and trauma; it trains the mind to observe rather than catastrophize.
Managing pain: mental tips (trauma-informed)
- Don’t shame yourself for needing to stop. Observing and naming pain reduces fear.
- Use titration: reduce intensity rather than retraumatize. Notice where pain is and whether it changes with breath or angle.
- If pain is recurring, see a medical or pelvic health professional and consider trauma-focused therapy.
Whisper in your mind phrases like: “I give myself permission to feel good,” or “I look great”- Why: Soothes performance anxiety and reduces the mind’s need to self-evaluate.
In conclusion, as always, Gd knows what he's talking about when he tells us to make the room dark. This is an energetic exchange in the bedroom, in the dark. There are no bodies to judge. To allow souls to enter during this time is not a physical act. There is no time, no space, the physical is merging with the spiritual.
Staying present during intimacy is a learned skill. Be patient with yourself: notice, label, and return — again and again. Over time these mind-only steps will feel more natural and intimacy more connected and comfortable.
